If this is the year that you are sending a child off to college, you know that the process started way before applications were due.

Maybe your child had Career Day in middle school, when parents came into the classroom and discussed their own jobs and what education they needed in order to get hired. Maybe when your family headed off on vacation, you made sure to wander through the local university to give your child a preview of college life. Or perhaps you planted the seed of your own alma mater when you told tales of your own days in the dorm.

Even the most laidback parents understand the value of an early start. The process is complicated and stressful enough without the piling up of research, visits, interviews, financial aid forms and applications.

Our article on page 10 can help. The steps to take are broken down by year – from what to do when you have a freshman, a sophomore and a junior, so that by the time you have a graduating senior, you have found the right school for your student.

Our Teen Issue

This issue of Bay Area Parent puts the spotlight on older kids and offers support when you are parenting this wonderful but often challenging age. If you think back to your own teen years, you can likely recall the drive to grow up fast and to become your own person. That’s important to remember as your own teens inevitably push boundaries and your buttons. On page 18, discover how you can give your teens the space to grow while still making sure they are safe. The secret is to understand the components and traits they need in order to develop into healthy and capable adults.

Embracing Diversity

This issue also tackles an important issue facing parents: How do we talk to our children about racism and diversity? Children often learn by story and our Things We Like column on page 26, written by Associate Editor Janine DeFao, recommends a terrific line-up of books by local authors that address “difference” in touching, powerful and even humorous ways.

On page 14, Associate Editor Teresa Mills-Faraudo sits down with a Bay Area diversity expert and delves into the ways to have honest, and often challenging, conversations with your kids about race, culture and diversity. If you have been putting this off, I encourage you to check out this article and follow the wise suggestions.

Have a great and healthy start of the school year.

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– Jill Wolfson, editor

The high school road to college may seem like four of the most challenging years families face. There are deadlines and tough financial choices, with parents and children not always agreeing on college choices. If that isn’t stressful enough, every year there are tasks that high school students should be checking off their to-do list. How can parents help their high school students navigate all the details and decisions they must make during their countdown to college? Here is some advice from the pros – a parent who has been through the process and a college admissions counselor.

Starting the Conversation

It all starts with a conversation between parent and child. But often the question that starts the conversation is the wrong one, according to Rick Clark, an undergraduate admissions counselor.

“Parents ask ‘Where do you want to go to college?’” Clark says. “The biggest question that parents don’t ask or lose sight of is ‘Why do you want to go to college?’”

That why is important, and should be followed up with questions like “What do you hope to get out of this? What do you want to study? What do you want to do long-term?” says Clark.

Freshman Year: The Importance of Academics

Rachael Fain, a mom of three, stresses the importance of the GPA during freshman year. Fain’s daughter, Hannah, graduated from college in 2017. Fain also has two sons, Matthew, who graduated from college in 2020, and Andrew, a college junior. “My children started taking high school classes in eighth grade,” Fain says. “A GPA is harder to bring up in junior and senior year, so our goal their eighth and ninth grade years was to keep their GPAs high.”

The freshman year is also important for getting on a challenging track of classes.

“Course choice is important,” Clark says. “Math in particular is something students need to pay attention to.”

Taking challenging classes in high school helped Fain’s son Matthew make his college decision. He decided to pursue his degree at the university where he took dual credit courses when he was in high school. Andrew also took dual credit courses in high school to lighten his load once he got to college. That worked out well when the Covid-19 pandemic hit. Andrew took a semester off but did not fall behind in his course work.

Sophomore Year: Getting to Know You

Tenth grade is a good year for self-reflection. Students can take personality tests and the PSAT  to figure out their strengths and weaknesses. They can also start thinking about the kind and size of school they want to attend. Understanding what they are good at will help high school students be realistic about the school that is the best fit for them.

Junior Year: Balancing Grades and Activities

Grades are crucial during the junior year. This year also involves a more challenging track of classes and leadership roles in clubs and activities. It’s hard to do it all. So how important are the extracurricular activities? It depends on the student and the college.

“At one of my children’s colleges, extracurricular activities were really important,” Fain says. “At the other one, they didn’t’ matter as much.”

Clark says that one out of every four students who apply to the school where he works are accepted. “Most students who apply have good test scores, good grades and good courses. Then the review committee asks, ‘Is this kid a good fit for us?’”

Clark says they look for students who are innovative or who are entrepreneurs, and they ask “How does this student use their time?”

“If they are a good student who goes home and plays video games, what will they contribute to the school?” Clark says.

But it stands out if students are responsible, if they work a job or if they make an impact some way.

Senior Year: Find Your Fit

Clark says the most important thing about making a college decision is finding a good fit.

“Fit doesn’t really mean, can the student do the work? But are they aligned well to the school?” For example, Clark says two universities can look the same on paper. A student will apply to each with the same grades and same test scores. The student then gets accepted to one and not the other.

“That is what fit is about,” Clark says. “How a student fits with a school, not just from an academic standpoint.”

If you and your child do not agree on the same school, Clark offers advice on approaching the topic. “Continue to tell your kids you love them, and that no matter where they go to college, it will be great.”

The good news is that there are many schools across the country and probably more than one of them will match your student’s personality and academic standing.

“If you or your child feels overwhelmed, take a deep breath and remember there is a school for every student,” says Fain. 

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College Checklist – What to Do When

Preparing for college can be overwhelming  because of the many steps it takes to get an acceptance letter. But breaking the college to-do list into manageable steps for each year of high school makes the process less stressful. It also teaches students responsibility, the very thing they will need for future success.

Have your student follow this step-by-step guide for a smooth countdown to college.

Freshman Year

• Talk to your parents and guidance counselor at the beginning of the year to set goals.
• Take the most challenging courses available to you.
• Make good grades.
• Try a variety of activities.
• Take advantage of opportunities to visit college campuses when you travel.

Sophomore Year

• Visit college and career fairs. If you are social distancing, schedule virtual tours of colleges of interest or consider self-guided tours on campuses. Check out updated health and masking guidance at schools you visit in person.
• Build your resume. Make a list of awards, accomplishments and activities.
  Take the PSAT for practice (you can take it your sophomore and junior year, but it won’t count until you are a junior).
• Start studying for the ACT and SAT. There are many test prep guides available online and in book form. (If required for your schools of choice.)
• Assess your strengths and weaknesses. Take a personality inventory.
• Research possible careers.
• During the summer begin researching colleges that might be a good fit.

Junior Year

• Take the PSAT.
• Accept leadership roles in the activities that suit you best.
• Narrow your list of possible careers.
• Narrow your list of possible colleges.
• Take the ACT and SAT. (If required for your schools of choice.)
• During the summer, volunteer or find an internship or job related to a potential future career.
• Write a college entrance essay draft. Have it critiqued by a guidance counselor or teacher.

Senior Year

• Narrow your college search to six to eight schools.
• Post all important deadline dates on a wall calendar.
• Retake the ACT or SAT if needed or required.
• Polish your resume.
• Ask for teacher recommendations.
• Visit the colleges you are applying to.
• Send out all your college applications.
• After you receive your acceptance letters, compare scholarship and financial aid packages and make your final decision.
• Notify all the schools you were accepted to of your decision.
• Celebrate the beginning of a new timeline at college!

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Janeen Lewis is a writer, teacher and parent.

Randi Bryant is a Bay Area diversity expert who has spoken extensively about how to have honest conversations about race, gender, sexuality, religion, and cultural and diversity issues with both children and adults. She is the vice president and chief diversity officer at Freshworks, a software company headquartered in San Mateo. She has also authored two books: Neversays: 25 Phrases You Should Never Ever Say to Keep Your Job and Friends and Truthing: A Collection of Essays. The Marin resident has raised two sons, ages 18 and 21, with whom she has had many conversations about racism. Bryant recently spoke with Bay Area Parent about how to talk to even very young children about race, along with offering tips for teaching kids to be anti-racist.

Is there a certain age when parents should start discussing racism with their kids?

The foundation is to talk about differences in people. Kids see difference immediately. They see the different skin tones in people, and they react differently based on skin tones. I believe we tend to want to avoid certain subjects because they make us feel uncomfortable and we feel that it is being racist to point out the differences. But kids should be comfortable with people’s differences. You can actually shape a child’s brain just by making sure they are around people who look different. That way it’s not so shocking to their brain. … It could just be that you are living a life that includes people who look different, and that becomes something normal.

How do you talk to each age group?

Young kids may say, “Look Mommy, she’s brown.”  You can say, “Yes I know. Isn’t it wonderful how we’re all different colors and shades and sizes?” and it becomes no big deal. A lot of times people become embarrassed when their children point out differences in people. But it’s not offensive to anyone to point out differences. The best thing you can do is explain that this is how our world is. Our world is made up of people of different shades and races. I don’t think it’s just about race because race is a social construct and not a true biological one. You can say to your kids that people are different and people have different customs. You’re going to see that people have different beliefs, and different foods, and that’s what makes life so exciting. You may say to your children, “We have our way as a family and we love it, but everyone is different.” You should make difference something that is exciting and not scary. I believe racism comes from a place of fear, a lack of exposure.

People say racism is taught or hate is taught. I believe that as parents we have to be intentional about teaching kids about anti-racism. Even at age 5, when children go into kindergarten, they have conversations about things being fair. That’s when we can say how sometimes people aren’t fair to certain people because of the color of their skin, and what do you think about that? “How would you feel if someone didn’t want to share their crayons with you because you have green eyes? Wouldn’t that be hurtful?” It’s a very simple concept of being kind to people despite them being different from you, and not pretending that race doesn’t exist because children notice that we’re different.

Don’t say to your kids: We’re all the same. People have different experiences in this country. Teaching empathy is important. Teaching kids that people’s experiences shape how they see the world. Creating empathy in your children is much more powerful than having a sit-down conversation about race.

How do you talk to kids about incidents in the country related to race and civil unrest?

When incidents do happen like last summer, when children are seeing the protests, talk to them and say, “Let’s think about why these people may be upset.” It’s okay to say that people feel they are not being treated fairly. Talk to your children about treating people fairly and being nice. Then maybe say, “Tell me about an incident when you weren’t being treated fairly and how did it make you feel and what did you want to do?”

I think people avoid conversations about race and racism because it has negative connotations. We don’t want to bring that into our children’s lives. But it’s really not directly talking so much about racism as it is talking about fairness and goodness, people’s feelings. It’s really overall principals we’re teaching our kids.

Children will guide the conversation because children will ask questions. If you avoid answering the questions, they will get the answers somewhere else. Racism and hatred don’t necessarily need to be taught because the absence of teaching the opposite will teach your kids skills and ideas that you don’t want your children to have. So, you have to be intentional about having these conversations. If you’re talking about the history of racism in America, you can say, “Let’s have a race.” And then you say, “I’m going to start ahead of you.” They may say, “But that’s not fair.” Then you can say, “Well that’s what it has been like for African Americans because when they came to this country, they had to work for free while your ancestors were working and buying houses.”

What if your child feels they have been a victim of racism?

Talk about it. Ask them, “What makes you think someone was unfair to you because of your race? How did it make you feel? Do you feel it was solely because of your race or do you think there could have been another reason? What would make you feel better? Can we have a conversation with this person?”

Sometimes a child comes to you to have a discussion and they may not want a solution. They may not want you to fix it.

I’m raising two sons, ages 18 and 21. I talked to them about race at a young age. I knew that as black boys in America they would be seen as threatening to some people. When I would sing lullabies to them, I would talk about their brown skin. When we would go on vacation to different places, I would point out different skin tones. We traveled to places where people have brown skin, whether it was Mexico or Jamaica. As they grew up and things happened, we talked about it. I would say, “How did that make you feel and what can we do to make sure you don’t feel that way again?” I’ve just tried to make sure they are proud of who they are.

We have to recognize that this world is becoming ever more diverse and if you want your children to be able to participate, understanding difference is a key part of that. I do not believe anyone can be successful in this world if they are not able to interact respectfully with people who are different than they are. Giving your kids the vocabulary, talking about it and looking at different circumstances can start at age 2. Ask them, “What if you saw someone who is very different from you? What would you say to the person if you were curious about something?” Practice those skills with your children.

What if your child is accused of being racist?

I would ask, “How do you feel? Let’s talk about what happened. What did you mean when you said that?” Ask them, “How do you think that person felt when you said that? Can you see why they took it this way? What can you do to fix it?” And then ask, “What did you learn?”

We should always be in the process of learning how to communicate with people. And then if the person (accused of being racist) says, “I don’t think that was racist,” you can say, “If I kicked you and you tell me it hurt and I say no, it did not hurt, is it fair for me to say that? You have to try to understand why it hurt the other person. You don’t get to judge whether something you did was offensive. You don’t get to be your own judge and jury. What you can do is see it as an opportunity to learn and tell your friend that you are sorry. You did not mean to hurt their feelings. Now you understand and, in the future, you will try to do better.”

People can say wrong things but that doesn’t mean they should be labeled as racist. You can forgive people who are willing to change.

Should parents talk to kids about words or phrases that should not be said?

Yes. There are words that hurt and there are words that hurt some people that don’t hurt other people. There are some words that some people can use that other people can’t. Some people have the comfort and right to say things that others can’t because they’re in a group. We all have different language codes based on our relationship with people.

Should parents of children of color have conversations with their kids about how to handle themselves around police officers or other authority figures?

I do not know a black person who has not had that conversation with their kids. I believe we want to prepare our children for the world they live in and unfortunately, our world is different depending on your race. Until the world changes, we have to prepare our children. I talk to my kids everyday about how the world sees them versus how they are and what they can do to mitigate certain circumstances. It has broken my heart. We want our kids to think the world is perfect. We want our kids to think that everyone is going to see them like we see them. It is heartbreaking to have conversations with your kids that present the ugly truths. I do tell them that I think most people are good, but you always want to protect yourself and put yourself in a situation where you won’t get harmed.

When they were young, they did know about Trayvon Martin. They do know that when their father, who is an attorney, goes jogging in the morning, he wears a Georgetown Law sweatshirt or something to show he is not to be feared.

We talk about what is happening in the news. We talk about how to handle police. Even teachers. My son and I just had a conversation. He graduated from high school and some of the seniors were skipping classes. My son said, “Everybody does it.” I said, “Unfortunately, you can’t do what everybody does all the time. They may unintentionally judge you more harshly than they would someone else because of biases. We all have biases. That’s why we all have to be aware of them.”

I don’t think the responsibility of educating children about race should be on persons of color. I think that up until now the conversation was always about the conversation black people are having with their children or Latino people are having with their children. The responsibility to create an anti-racist society is on all parents.

If I can talk to my kids at age 3 or 2 about race, which I did, I think non-black parents should be doing the same.  As the world is changing, it’s not the responsibility of children of color and parents of color to change this world. It’s all of our responsibility.

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Teresa Mills-Faraudo is an associate editor at Bay Area Parent.

As most parents of adolescents can attest, contending with a teen’s growing need for independence can be a daunting challenge. But pushing away from parents is a normal part of adolescence and necessary for teens to develop into healthy, capable adults. Because they are still maturing, however, they do need guidance and support along the way. 

So how do you give your teen the space to grow and avoid overstepping boundaries which can alienate and push your teen further away? The first step is understanding the necessary components for teens to become capable adults. Then know how to guide and support your adolescent during this trying stage while providing the freedom to grow.

Responsibility

As kids grow, they need to take on more responsibility for themselves and within the family. Taking responsibility for themselves includes waking up and getting to school on time, managing homework and extracurricular activities, among other tasks. Teens also need to develop more responsibility toward others. At home, they can cook for the family, do chores and help care for younger siblings. Other ways teens can develop responsibility toward others is by holding a part-time job or volunteering to serve their community.

Decision Making

Learning to problem solve and make good decisions is crucial to becoming a capable adult. So teens need opportunities to make their own decisions. There’s no doubt that they’re going to make mistakes along the way. But the best lessons in life are often a result of mistakes. It’s natural for parents to want to protect their kids and prevent them from experiencing pain (physical or emotional). But the mistakes made, and particularly the consequences of those mistakes, often dull in comparison to those they could potentially make as adults. So don’t try to protect your teen from ever making a mistake. By allowing adolescents to make decisions, experience failure and problem solve now will give them the foresight and skills to make better decisions as adults.

The best way to help your teen develop decision-making skills is to pick and choose when to intervene. Consider the severity of the repercussions if your teen makes a particular mistake. For example, drinking and driving can be deadly not only to your teen but to others. So if your teen doesn’t make a responsible decision regarding this, you need to intervene. When the consequences are less severe, parents should still offer guidance. But teens should have much more freedom to decide for themselves and opportunities to fail and learn lessons.

Their Own Identity

During the teen years, kids struggle with the formation of their own identity. But this is necessary to becoming an emotionally healthy adult. Teen identity formation is seen in many behaviors. 

• Rebellion – Teens often rebel to differentiate themselves from their parents and authority figures. Rebelliousness can take the form of non-compliance or non-conformity. Either way, a teen will provoke their parents’ disapproval to assert individuality, says Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D., in Rebel with a Cause: Rebellion in Adolescence. Unfortunately, rebellion can lead to self-defeating and even self-destructive behavior. If your teen is rebelling, Pickhardt recommends that parents allow natural consequences to occur, provide positive guidance (repeatedly) and support constructive growth. 
• Sex, drugs and alcohol – In addition to peer pressure, teens may use drugs, alcohol or sex to feel grown-up. These can be challenging issues for parents. The best approach is to offer ongoing guidance regarding these matters and to keep the lines of communication open. Talk to your teen about the facts and dangers, how to be safe and your expectations. If your teen comes home intoxicated, don’t overreact. Wait until your teen is sober and discuss the matter calmly. Above all, make sure your teen knows they can talk to you at any time.
• Status – Status symbols are another means by which teens search for their identity. They may insist on wearing expensive shoes and clothing or spend on pricey electronics or cars. This is an area where allowing teens to make their own decisions is often best (so long as they’re spending their own money, not yours). Still, it would be best if you tried to instill in your teen the idea that material things aren’t what defines people. Rather, what’s on the inside is what counts.
• Idolization – Idols are another way teens search for their identity. They often mimic their idols in the way they dress, do their hair and talk. While this can give teens a sense of belonging, it ultimately results in the loss of their own identities. Let your teen know it’s okay to admire their idol. But encourage your teen to be himself or herself, and remind your adolescent of their own valuable qualities.
• Cliques – Being part of a group can be a good thing because it provides commonality and a sense of security and belonging. But unlike groups, cliques are restrictive and allow in only certain types of people. Teens are very good at disapproving of and excluding others who dress or act differently. If your adolescent is part of a clique, discuss the importance of still being oneself, having a mind of their own and standing up to bad behavior.

Personal Values

It’s only natural for parents to want their kids to share their values. But during the teen years, as adolescents try to carve out their own identities, they begin to question old values and to experiment with new ones. Some of these values may oppose your own. In some cases, these different values may even be self-destructive. Still, teens often carve out new positive values on their own as well. 

Although teens will ultimately choose the values they’ll live by, parents can still try to influence positive ones. The key is talking with your teen and allowing for open dialogue. When you do speak with your teen, ask open-ended questions that make your adolescent think. For example, ask, “What would you do if you were with a friend who was bullying someone?” Also, ask if your teen feels pressured to ignore certain values. If so, ask how they think they can overcome that pressure.

Finally, lead by example. Throughout the teen years, look for teachable moments. Find opportunities to invite your teen to join you in value-based activities. That way, your teen can experience the impact it has on others, the world and on their own sense of self-worth. 

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Kimberly Blaker is a freelance parenting writer.

When my twins were first born, I had an endless amount of questions about child rearing.

 Why aren’t they sleeping through the night?

 Why is their poop changing colors?

 And the question I asked the most often was

 Why are they always crying?

 Now that my twins are teens, in many ways I feel like a new mom again since raising teens is such a perplexing and confusing experience. Their behaviors are often hard to figure out. Why do they always feel the need to close the door? Why do they want to spend every waking moment with their friends?

My initial reaction when I’m feeling bewildered (which is often) is to grab my phone and Google it. And then I wonder: How did my mother raise me without an Internet connection? 

Fortunately, parents do have the ability to easily find answers to their questions which will hopefully make parenting a teenager a little less daunting. As a former counselor for adolescents in a residential facility, I can answer some common questions asked by parents of teens and also provide links to articles for more information.

Here are the top eight questions most Googled by parents of teenagers.

1. Why do teens do drugs? 

During my time working with teens, there was a myriad of reasons why they choose to use drugs. It ranged from peer pressure to mental health issues (a form of self-medication).  Here is an article related to why some teens use drugs: 

• Suffering From Teen Drug Use: Why Do Teenagers Use Drugs? bit.ly/3jrCr1K. 

If you are concerned your teen is using drugs or alcohol, this article discusses signs to look for and options to get treatment: 

• Signs of Alcohol Abuse and Drug Use in Teens: What to Look For. bit.ly/2Vj0Yye.

The best way to help prevent your teen from using drugs is to have open communication about drugs and how they are feeling in all areas of their life (friends, school, sports, etc.). Here is an article related to the importance of communication in preventing drug use: 

• Teen Risk Taking: What Should Parents Worry About? bit.ly/3xkRLSJ.

2. Why do teens cut themselves? 

Cutting is a form of self-injury. When I worked in the residential treatment center, often teens cut themselves as a way to deal with their depression or other negative emotions. If you notice your teen is cutting, it is important to seek the help of a mental health professional so your teen can learn more appropriate coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions. Here are some related articles:

• Teen Self Harm: How Can You Help a Teenager Who Injures Herself? bit.ly/3Chiu6E. 
• Dealing with Self-Injury: Understanding Risk and Helping Prevention. bit.ly/37lCHKa.
• Teenagers and Cutting: I Was a Teenage Cutter. How I Stopped Cutting. bit.ly/3Ce8xXs.

3. Why do teens drink? 

Similar to using drugs, teens often use alcohol because of peer pressure or as a form of self-medication. Alcohol is also more accessible and acceptable to use than illegal drugs. Some of the teens I worked with had parents who either used or abused alcohol, making it easy for them to obtain it.  

• The Age-Old Question: Why Do Teenagers Drink Alcohol? bit.ly/3jELpZV.
• Can You Prevent Underage Drinking? Realistic Ways to Talk About Alcohol. bit.ly/3lAQ9SG. 
• Officer Pat Shares Facts About Teenage Drug and Alcohol Use. bit.ly/3ir2Hu6.

4. Why do teens smoke? 

Despite laws regulating smoking in select public areas and the increased price of cigarettes, teens still smoke cigarettes. In more than 50% of  American states, the law regarding the age to purchase tobacco is 18 which makes it more accessible than alcohol. The most common reason teens begin smoking is that they have friends or parents who smoke. Once they start, smoking is highly addictive.  

• Teens Using Tobacco: Dip, Cigarettes, Hookahs and More. bit.ly/3ioGCML. 
• How Many Teenagers Smoke?: Is Teen Smoking Still Popular? bit.ly/3Cg85ba.
• There’s No Foolproof Way of Raising Teens: Warning Signs of Trouble. bit.ly/3xk8Mg5.

5. Why do teens vape?

 Vaping is smoking using an e-cigarette. Even though the user does not inhale tobacco, they are still inhaling a vapor containing nicotine. Since e-cigarettes don’t contain tobacco, teens believe it is a more healthy option than cigarettes.

• Teenagers Are Smoking E-Cigarettes: Should We Worry About Vaping? bit.ly/3A95SMU.
• Is Vaporizing Safer Than Smoking? Why Vaping Isn’t Healthy For Teens. bit.ly/3jqIdke.
• What is Juuling? The New Teen Vaping Device You May Not Recognize. bit.ly/3A2WyKu.

6. Why do teens need more sleep?

 The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends that teens sleep for 8-10 hours per night. Sleep is necessary to aid in physical, intellectual and emotional growth. But a teen’s busy schedule includes sports, homework and spending time with friends. That often means a later bedtime combined with an early start time (my kids are on the bus at 6:40 a.m.). The end result is not getting enough sleep. Here are some related articles: 

• How Much Sleep Do Teens Need? More Than They’re Getting. bit.ly/3iosa7h.
• Teens Not Getting Enough Sleep? Practical Sleep Advice for Parents. bit.ly/3yqDyFn.
• Sleeping Teens: Helping Your Teen Get a Better Night’s Sleep. bit.ly/3Chj0l6.

7. Why do teens get acne?

The exact cause of acne is unknown but hormones, stress and genetics do contribute. The best treatment for acne is using facial cleanser and if necessary seeing a dermatologist.

• Dealing With Acne: There’s No Need to Suffer Through Life with Pimples. bit.ly/3rW5YEw.
• Teenage Skin Problems: Acne, Skincare and Sunscreen. bit.ly/3A65TB8.
• From Acne Myths to Causes: Acne Advice From Pediatric Dermatologists. bit.ly/3rS6lQC.

8. Why do teens commit suicide?

Suicide is a complex issue. Teens may commit suicide because they feel hopeless or pain due to depression. There are some incidents when teens felt bullied or experienced abuse that led to suicide. If you think your teen is having suicidal thoughts, contact a mental health professional or The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

• What Parents Need to Know About Preventing Teen Suicide. bit.ly/3fu26G8.
• Discussing Teen Suicide and Prevention: What Do Our Teens Think? bit.ly/3lyDnnB.
• About Teen Depression: What To Look For and How to Discuss Suicide. bit.ly/3xnXwPF. 

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Cheryl Maguire holds a Master of Counseling Psychology degree. She is the mother of twins and a daughter. This article was originally published on yourteenmag.com.

American parents are talking to their kids about money, but kids may not be getting the message. While one study notes that 63% of parents report talking to their young children about financial concepts such as budgeting and debt, most young adults report feeling under-informed and say money conversations didn’t start until high school.

The late start puts American teens behind the curve, financially speaking. The National Center for Education Statistics reports that nearly a quarter of American 15-year-olds score below proficiency level on a financial literacy test, behind 15-year-olds in China, Australia and Belgium.

When it comes to money conversations, later isn’t better, according to Stacey Black, lead financial educator at Boeing Employees Credit Union (BECU). She counsels families to start talking to kids about the four “pillars” of financial health – saving, spending, borrowing and sharing—before kids are even old enough to join the conversation.

“The age to begin is birth,” says Black. “It’s never too early to start. I like to tell people to think about ways to weave this into everyday conversations and activities starting as early as possible.”

These early conversations are as important for parents as they are for kids. Consider them to be practice sessions that pave the way for richer, more meaningful money talks later on.

Ready to get started? Here’s how to foster financial literacy, from toddlerhood through the teen years.

Early Years 0-5

Of course, pre-verbal tots can’t converse about saving, investing or charitable giving. But talking about these concepts openly creates an important family norm and sends the message that talking about money is not only OK, but encouraged, notes Black. “You can open a savings account or college fund for your baby and when they get old enough, you can start talking about why you’re saving and update them on savings progress.”

By age 5, kids are often ready to set a savings target or contribute to a family savings goal. “When kids have a toy that they want or if there’s a family vacation coming up, you can make that a savings goal,” says Black. Allowing kids to handle, sort and stash coins and bills into a “piggy bank” or jar helps kids begin to understand the value of currency.

Tots can start learning about giving to charity, according to “Jump$tart National Standards in K-12 Personal Finance Education,” a guide that sets benchmarks for financial literacy by age. Before kids reach kindergarten, parents can talk to them about their own charitable giving and explain how giving to a cause is different from sharing toys with a sibling or friend.

Elementary Years 6-12

School-age kids have watched adults around them earn, spend and save for years, so they’re ready to tackle bigger topics. Families might be surprised by the financial savvy of a fourth-grader, says Black. “You can definitely start talking to a fourth-grader about concepts like borrowing, debt and interest. It’s not going to be the same conversation you’d have with a teenager, but you can introduce them in a simple way.”

Aim to spark conversation and reflection about financial choices and the long-term implications of purchases. Build a habit of thinking before spending by establishing a waiting period of 24 hours before making a purchase over a certain amount. Talk to kids about the difference between shopping – or evaluating and comparing potential options – and buying.

To internalize these lessons, kids need to have some money to spend, says Black. “Whether or not parents believe in giving out allowance, it’s important that kids have money to make mistakes and learn,” she notes.

If families don’t want to dole out allowance or pay kids for chores, they can allow kids to buy some of their own school supplies, help shop for family holiday gifts or choose souvenirs from the gift shop on vacation.

As kids grow, the conversations around saving for the future can grow, too. “Some families introduce investing around this age,” says Black. “I’ve even seen families have a family 401K and make decisions about how to invest together, so it becomes a family activity in addition to a learning tool.”

Teens & Young Adults

For teens, the borrowing conversation takes on added importance. Managing debt is a strong theme in “The Next Big Talk,” BECU’s guide to meaningful money conversations with kids. “For me, credit is the most important topic for teens,” says Black. When teens begin eyeing bigger purchases, from gaming systems to cars, highlight the cost of using credit with online calculators to show how long and how much they are actually spending on interest and fees.

The key to keeping teens engaged in money talks is staying out of lecture mode. Instead, make financial literacy topical and fun – think TikTok meets teachable moment.

“I’ve found some great videos on TikTok that I use in my classes with high school students, and BECU has new Instagram Reels that break down money topics. Teens are going to pay attention to those over anything an adult tells them,” says Black.

Financial lessons are everywhere, from streaming channels to family game night. Watching young couples grapple with whether to invest in a home or spend thousands on a wedding on the Netflix series Marriage or Mortgage or playing the classic board game LIFE can get teens thinking and talking about financial choices..

Giving teens more control over their spending for clothes, gifts and entertainment provides more opportunities to practice budgeting, prioritizing and making mistakes while stakes are relatively low. Many banks allow parents to open a youth spending account linked to a debit card for kids 13 and up, allowing teens more freedom while parents can transfer funds and keep an eye on spending.

Don’t worry if you’re still learning about financial literacy yourself, notes Black. “I tell parents that it’s OK not to know everything. Don’t think you need to be a money expert to talk to your kids about this, because that’s what holds a lot of parents back.”

Financial literacy involves lifelong learning. Showing teens how to find information is one of the most valuable lessons parents can teach.  Says Black, “It’s OK to say, ‘I don’t know. Let’s look it up!’” 

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Resources for Families

• BECU’s Next Big Talk conversation guide – bit.ly/3iiOQ94
• Jump$tart National Standards in K-12 Personal Finance Education – bit.ly/3lsUkjy
• BECU’s free webinars and seminars – becu.org/seminars
• BECU’s Kids and Money articles – bit.ly/3jl3WtL
• TikTok – @moneywithcass, @financefornomalpeop, @basicfinancialliteracy

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Malia Jacobson is a journalist specializing in health, family, and business topics.

If you have a child with a flair for the dramatic, who loves to sing and dance, or who wants to be part of a team without playing sports, theater may be the answer. Participating in theater can expose kids to music, arts, culture, teamwork and more. Most of the benefits of participating in theater immediately transfer to the school setting. It can even build skills that will be helpful in college and later in the workforce. Here are five “dramatic” reasons that kids should give theater a try.

Teamwork

There are so many different roles that go into a theater production: actors, musicians, sound technicians, set builders, backstage hands, costume designers and more. Everyone involved works as a team to bring the production together, which is no small task. Kids will learn about teamwork and will t likely build friendships along the way.

Communication

Kids will gain confidence in public speaking, voice projection, memorization of lines and how to carry themselves in front of a crowd. Kids also gain confidence by meeting the challenge of performing in front of others and meeting the goal of a successful production with the support of their fellow cast members and production directors.

Empathy

As actors, kids examine how their characters respond and react emotionally to situations. This can translate into empathy for others. This is a great life skill because it helps kids relate to others, care for friends and understand why people behave the way they do in a variety of situations.

Responsibility

Young thespians have to memorize their lines and speak them with confidence in order to contribute to the production as a whole. They will also have to maintain other responsibilities at home, school and other extracurricular activities. Kids will learn to prioritize and organize. They will be held accountable for their role in the production. These are skills that will serve them well in the future.

Cultural Appreciation

Theater exposes kids to literature, history, music, culture and the arts, which help them become well-rounded. They will become immersed in stories and exposed to different historical time periods. Stories will come alive as they play roles, design costumes and literally act out tales from a different time and place.

If performing on stage is not a great fit for your child, there are many other ways to get involved in theater to reap the benefits. They can contribute by designing and building sets, running the sound booth or lights, or working behind the scenes in other ways. And they can also become enthusiastic members of the audience! Theater truly offers a little something for everyone. 

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Applause for Theater Classes

The following theater classes were voted the 2020 Best of the Best by Bay Area Parent readers. You can learn about the winners of the 2021 contest for theater classes and dozens of other categories in our annual Best of the Best publication, which will be available in print and online the end of September.

Silicon Valley

• Gold: Peninsula Youth Theater – Provides theatrical learning experiences that develop leadership, emphasize responsibility and foster teamwork in a supportive, respectful environment. 2500 Old Middlefield Way, Mountain View. 650-988-8798. pytnet.org.
• Silver: Starting Arts – 525 Parrott St., San Jose. 408-492-9022. startingarts.com.
• Bronze: Children’s Musical Theatre San Jose – 1401 Parkmoor Ave., #100, San Jose. 408-288-5437. cmtsj.org.

Peninsula

• Gold: San Carlos Children’s Theater – Offers after-school drama classes, musical theater camps, specialized workshops and full-scale productions for ages 5 to 18. Multiple locations in San Carlos. 650-594-2730. sancarloschildrenstheater.com.
• Silver: Hillbarn Theatre – 1285 E. Hillsdale Blvd., Foster City. 650-349-6411. hillbarntheatre.org.
• Bronze: Broadway Babies and Kids – 1101 Laurel St., San Carlos. 650-218-6831. broadwaybabiesandkids.com.

San Francisco/Marin

• Gold: Marin Shakespeare Company – It offers theater classes for children and teens, camps, a teen touring company, internships and Shakespeare classes at schools. Forest Meadow Amphitheatre, 890 Belle Ave., San Rafael. 415-499-4488. marinshakespeare.org.
• Silver: New Conservatory Theatre Center – 25 Van Ness Ave., San Francisco. 415-861-8972. nctcsf.org.
• Bronze: The Rabbit Hole Children’s Theater – 800 Diamond St., San Francisco. 415-525-4085. therabbitholesf.com.

East Bay

• Gold: Poison Apple Productions – Offers classes and productions for young thespians ages 2-17, with performances at its own playhouse at Walnut Creek’s Lesher Center for the Arts. 847 Arnold Drive, Martinez. 925-957-0773. poisonappleproductions.org.
• Silver: The Ballet School Performing Arts – 1131 Locust St., Walnut Creek. 925-934-2133. theballetschool.org.
• Bronze: Bay Area Children’s Theatre – 6114 La Salle Ave., #431, Oakland. 510-296-4433. bactheatre.org.

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Sara Lyons is a freelance writer.

Ruby’s Reunion Day Dinner

Oakland author Angela Dalton celebrates the joy of family and food in her new book, illustrated by Jestenia Southerland. The story follows a young girl, Ruby, as she searches for a “signature dish” to bring to her annual family reunion, capturing how love and cooking bring a multigenerational family together. Harper Collins, 2021. $17.98. angeladalton.com.

Gitty and Kvetch

Learn some Yiddish and have some fun with Gitty and Kvetch, the debut picture book from Stanford author Caroline Kusin Pritchard about an upbeat girl and her best friend, a curmudgeonly bird. When plans go awry, it’s up to Kvetch to be the one to lift Gitty’s spirits. Pritchard draws on her Jewish heritage to sprinkle Yiddish terms and humor throughout the tale, with a helpful glossary at the end and illustrations by Ariel Landy. Atheneum Books for Young Readers, 2021. $17.99. carolinekusinpritchard.com/books.

The Mystery of the Missing Dump Truck

First-time author Cindy Tong of San Francisco features her sons, Connor and Owen, as they search for their missing truck with just one clue – a broken wheel. Tong says there are too few Asian main characters in children’s books, and those are often about Asian culture and celebrations. “Asian kids also want to see themselves being cool, adventurous kids doing cool, adventurous things. I want readers to see that the Asian characters in my book are no different from any others,” she adds. Self-published, 2021. $18.99. bycindytong.com.

For All, Para Todos

In this touching and timely story – told in rhyme in Spanish and English – a young immigrant girl named Flor and her father leave home only to struggle in their new country. When a caring teacher encourages Flor to write her story, she learns the power of her words and goes on to become an activist for immigrant rights, inspiring others – including readers. It’s the first children’s book from Alejandra Domenzain of Foster City, a Mexican immigrant and former teacher who has been an immigrant worker rights advocate for 20 years. Hard Ball Press, 2021. $13.50. forall-paratodos.net. 

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Things We Like celebrates the best products, people and places that make parenting fun. Got a suggestion? Email janine.defao@bayareaparent.com or submit your idea at bayareaparent.com/content/submit-a-story.